So much for waiting

Well alot has happen this past few days.. i have seen so many things run by me. GOD is good in all that he does. But sometimes we just cant see it no matter how hard we try. I sometimes just cant seem to see it. Went down to her friendster saw lots of things i dont think i should have.. she's become more and more beautiful as each day goes by.. Been going clubbing alot with many guys.. there goes the love of my life huh..i cant say anything at all.. nothing cos i mean nothing.. i am nothing to her.. When one door close's GOD alwasys open's a other.. But it's time for me TO GROW UP! and to see things as a man. no longer a teen to think like one. Miss you alot on my life you were and still are a big part i pray for you every day asking GOD to take good care of you.. My chest pain comes and goes.. sometime i just dont think i can take it anymore.. but i cant take my pills it does things to me.. i dont like it.. i hate it.. i hate the pills yet i need them.. this is the only way i can let all this in me out .. no one wants to hear all this or must i say on one needs to for this is a part of me no ones wants to know. and i may say needs to know.. i dont want to give up on me anymore.. there is something about me .. the GOD out in me .. ahh... so much pain.. so much for friends so much for finding love..


But!! on a happyer note i have seen someone who is i must say. her smile.. thinking of her smile makes me smile.. but.. she shows nothing to me .. that i may hang on to.. but.. who am i rite.. E*****.. how much i long for you.. but much i know that u just dont give a shit.. back to killing my body..that's all i have left..


Peace out

All time song

This was the 1st song that i loved and i sang with her..This was our song..


~珊瑚海 | Shan Hu Hai | Coral Sea~


海平面远方开始阴霾 悲伤要怎么平静纯白
hai ping mian yuan fang kai shi yin mai / bei shan yao zhe me ping jing chun bai
Clouds gather on the faraway (sea) horizon, How can I keep my sadness calm

我的脸上始终夹带 一抹浅浅的无奈
wo de nian shang shi zhong jia dai / yi mo qian qian de wu nai
I remained straight-faced, trying to cover the hint of resignation


你用唇语说你要离开 (情不在)
ni yong chun yu shuo ni yao li kai (qing bu zai)
You silently said that you wanted to leave (The love's gone)

那难过无声慢了下来
na nan guo wu sheng nan le xia lai,
The sadness slowed down silently

汹涌潮水 你听明白
xiong yong chao sui, ni ting ming bai
Listen carefully to the crashing tides,

不是浪而是泪海
bu shi lang er shi lei hai
It is not from the sea but from tears

Chorus:

转身离开 (你有话说不出来) 分手说不出来
zhuan shen li kai (ni you hua shuo bu chu lai) fen shou shuo bu chu lai
Turning around to leave, (You have something to say but remained speechless), unable to say it's over

海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外
hai niao gen yu xiang ai / zhi shi yi chang yi wai
The love between a seagull and a fish is only an accidental occurrence

我们的爱 （给的爱）差异一直存在 (回不来)
wo men de ai （gei de ai） cha yi yi zhi cun zai (hui bu lai)
Differences had always existed in (the love you gave) our love (we can't go back)

风中尘埃(等待)竟累积成伤害
feng zhong zhen ai (deng dai) jing lei ji cheng shang hai
The dust that gathers in the wind (ends up) accumulating to pain

转身离开 分手说不出来
zhuan shen li kai fen shou shuo bu chu lai
Turning around and leave, (can't say it's over), unable to say it's over

蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白
wei lan de shan hu hai / cuo guo shun jian cang bai
An azure coral sea, a missed momentary paleness

当初彼此（你我都）不够成熟坦白(不应该)
dang chu bi ci （ni wo dou) bu gou cheng shu tan bai (bu ying gai)
Right from the beginning (you and me both) were not mature and frank enough (shouldn't)

热情不改 (你的) 笑容勉强不来
re qing bu gai (ni de) xiao rong mian qiang bu lai
The passion had not changed, (your) smile cannot be forced

爱深埋珊瑚海
ai shen mai shan hu hai
Love is buried deep within the coral sea

Verse 2:

毁坏的沙碉如何重来 有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
hui huai de sa diao ru he chong lai / you lie heng de ai zhe me chong gai
How do (we) rebuild the damaged sand sculpture, how can (we) fix a broken relationship?

只是一切 结束太快 你说你无法释怀
zhi shi yi qie / jie shu tai kuai / ni shuo ni wu fa shi huai
Only that all has ended too quickly and you said you could not understand why


贝壳里隐藏着什么期待 (等花儿开)
bei ke li ying cang zhe she me qi dai (deng hua er kai)
What surprises await in a seashell (Waiting for the flowers to bloom)

我们也已经无心再猜
wo men ye yi jing wu xin zai cai
We do not want to play the guessing game anymore

面向海风 (面向海风)
mian xiang hai feng (mian xiang hai feng)
The sea breeze caressing the face (the sea breeze caressing the face)

咸咸的爱 (咸咸的爱)
xian xian de ai (xian xian de ai)
The salty love (the salty love)

尝不出还有未来
chang bu chu hai you wei lai
Unable to feel any future (between us)

Cai Hong

This song is one of the songs which i love .. it has lots of meaning for me now in my life..

~Jay Chou - Cai Hong~


Na li you cai hong gao su wo
Tell me where the rainbow is

Neng bu neng ba wo de yuan wang huan gei wo
Could you still give me back my wish

Wei shen me tian zhe me an jing
Why is the sky so silent?

Suo you de yun dou pao dao wo zhe li
All of the clouds are running to me

You mei you kou zhao yi ge gei wo
Is there a mask for me?

Shi huai shuo le tai duo jiu cheng zhen bu liao
Recalling too much of the past words can accomplish nothing

Ye xu shi jian shi yi zhong jie yao
Perhaps time is a kind of antidote

Ye shi wo xian zai zheng fu xia de du yao
And also the first poison I'm taking now

Kan bu jian ni de xiao wo zen me shui de zhao
I could not see your smile, how can I sleep well

Ni de shen ying zhe me jing wo que bao bu dao
Your silhouette is so close to me, yet I cannot embrace it

Mei you di qiu tai yang hai shi hui rao
Without earth, the sun can still circle around

Mei you li you wo ye neng zi ji zou
Without reasons, I also can walk alone

Ni yao li kai wo zhi dao hen jian dan
You want to go away, I know that is very easy

Ni shuo yi lai shi wo men de zu ai
You said dependence is our obstacle

Jiu suan fang kai dan neng bu neng bie mo shou wo de ai
Even if we break up, but couldn't you not receive my love

Dang zuo wo zui hou cai ming bai
Assuming I'm the last to understand

Bye bye 19 .. Hellow 20

I have become 20 .. I have to get lots of things done befor 21 now lol.. Last night was mad i have not had that much for sometime. But.. even all the drinks and people .. i just wanted her till the very end i did not get a sms or call or anything.. i want to ask why do u hate me so much? why did i do to you.. that you wont even look at me.. why do u want me out of life that badly.. why do u push me so far away.. why do you not let me try.. why why why.. so many why but no ans for me..anyone can fix my broken heart? i just wanted you by myside on the 24.. but you were no where near..

STOP this pain.. i want to be happy too.. if you can be why cant i..

Fix me..someone..anyone...

1 year older

I am have become 1 year older and what do i have to show for it nothing..nothing form you so far so i am guessing that u just dont give a fuck.. lol.. time to take my pills. Bye Bye.. no i am not going to die i think lol.. maybe, lol!! Nights.. many more nights alone..

ZZzzzZZ

Peace out

P.S Happy Birthday Suresh..

wow..

Wow 2 posts in one day.. think going to be 3 soon.. i think i may need to take my med to sleep today.. lol.. i have to much on my mind to do anything.. i want to go KTV sing miss it so much.. i do enjoy singing.. lol guess what all not able to meet me for my own birthday ! power rite.. wahhah...power la.. i can just go fucking die now lol! for real i can just go die now.. all time the only people i had were you guys so ya.. now i can see i dont have
1. life
2. someone who loves me
3. Family
4. friends
5. money
6. looks
7. the 5C's
8. anyone...
POWER!!!!

whahahahhaha....
i Fucking give up...

So badly

Well.. it's about 1h more till it's my birthday..i miss you much..i see you online but i cant talk to you. just want to ask you how was your day? what did you? why so tired? i miss you voice..so badly..i have this hope that you would come back to me i dont know why i do cos it just kills me..to see you forget me.. i .. have so much of this feeling.. i want to talk to you.. but you dont seem to say anything back.. have so much on my mind as i go onto 20.. i know that after this 24 alot has got to change..just want to by side..i dont make alot of money and i am not that great of a person but she still loved me and cared for me.. even when all the shit i did was something that u want to hear or see.. but You still loved me no matter what has happen.. as i do this i have tears coming down ., i did see the pain in your eyes all the nights you cryed for me when i was not there when i could not be there.. when you send me off into 'Ns' i hated that day when i could not see u .. all i could do was think of coming out and seeing you.. you were my fire..so much pain now..so much of things i just want to say to you to tell you that i want to take care of you till your old and cant walk anymore.. i want you to be the mother of my kids..so much for all that.. 'She said i will always be by your side'

You are mine and i am yours.. that was somethngs that was said.. if only..

coming home has no more fire to it at all..

weekends are just something i have to go on to..

i hate sundays where i no longer just sit there and see you sleep..

i hate who i am now.. just hate all this..

coming home baby girl.. i miss you

I am sorry

I ... need ... you..


Peace out

very soon

Well i have not done this for 2 days.. alot has happen this past few days if i were to say it all my net would just die so ya.. lol
2 more days to go suresh after that no more.. no more of thinking about all this no more killing yourself with all the pain in your head and heart.. i cant run very far from the fact that i do care and miss you and most of all i sitll love you with me heart..
i cant seem to run away form this.. The Lord has help me so much to see this days go by.. it's not going to be ez but i just have to do this i have.. no matter what i have to not only for my heart but to move on and let go.. i miss u baby girl..we are near yet so far.. u took me out of your world but your still in mine.. have to stop .. have to give up.. but i just cant..

Peace out

Time is running out..

sighz.. what a way to start.. Today went down to IMH.. guess what.. I have to go back on the Oct 6 than i will be able to see the doc. err.. making me run here and there... have one on the 6 and 16th. i just saw her facebook pic.. Wo! she looks good! can see shes enjoying herself.. pain..very pain..then the 24th comes it just means i have lost.. after all that has happen i LOST.. i would have given the world if you had just waited..i miss you so much on my bday your all that i want.. is that asking to much..ya i know it is.. it takes 2 to work things out not only 1.. i just wanted to trow my come out after seeing that pic but who am i rite..just things in the past.. my baby girl is gone..no longer mine to hold or to hug or kiss..i am no longer loved by anyone alone ones more..your the only one who ever loved me.. and i thank you for that..with all the heart and all that i am thank you.. and it's a long long good bye..

Peace out

I think I may have a P...

Well nothing so far.. my mom is ok.. i asked her to read my blog.. which i dont think she did but nvm.. i was asking for to much anyway.. i need sleep.. I miss her very badly..but she will never know that cos i dont think she care's anymore.. but i am praying that she does..



Peace out

I hate this

It was a yet a long day in camp..so much of shit has happen today.. we should have gone to MTV today but the people who do the plaining lst min played us out..so today was yet an other day were we worked our ass off.. for nothing..as always.. than i am on Off tml co si have to go down to IMH at 10:40 am to see the doc.. i mean after so long too..but there was somthing good that happen today She called me ( she = my X ) it was like time just stoped when she called cos her ringing tone is something that i use as my alarm so when i heard it i run as far as i could so that i could her her voice.. it was soo good to hear your voice.. i missed it so much..but the sad thing was she called to ask about the money.. not me.. so ya that was painful yet nice.. today i saw her online after soooo long!! i saw her pic wow not bad going clubing huh.. good life.. miss her so much..dont even think she missed my voice..what am i doing saying all this..So as to tml i am on off.. i called my mom cos she was not feeling to well this past few days she was taking care of my sis 2 kids and had like no rest. so the kids are with there mother now so today i asked my mom to go and see the doc.. i made her too ( my x hates to see the doc no matter how sick she was i would have to push her to go and see the doc and when we get there she would say see i am better now i dont have to see doc anymore let's go home..cute rite..) so when we got to the doc the doc said she need lots of rest.. than i am low on money this month but i paided what i could.. when we got home she took her med than i was in my sis room when my bro called me out than i saw that my mom has fainted now as i am doing this i am thinking should i call 995..i am doing my best to take care of my mom.. and the poeple that i care and love.. i have done so much for nothing.. This is to you baby girl.. if your reading this you should know what to do.. you know me batter than anyone that i know..i am sorry to have to do this..

Sometimes..

Ok so i do like Blogging.. lol.. But today was just a very long day..things were ok till about day 9:00pm.. sighz..Had a nice long talk with my boys in camp..You see i dont think of them as some kind low life in camp.. But as young men who are just have to find themself. I mean coming to NS is hard to not be able to see your love ones for like 5days than you only have the weekend and that to runs so fast.. sighz.. when i was in NS for the 1st 3 months it was hell cos I miss my gf birthday and feb 14 too.. so i can say i know how it feels..missing her birthday was something that i could not take at all..So thats why i dont want to make it *to* hard for them..But today had to tell them off cos you see i take care of BP=FAT MEN! so for them is to lose alot.. and some of them just dont seem to get it cos this is all for them .. and top of it i get lots of shit cos of them .. 5days they work hard than weekend they get fat.. what more can i say..who would not get mad at them.

Today i called some more of my frens for 24th night. I dont want to go | MOS| i know it's leades night but still to many shit there..i dont know.. just want her next to me thats all ..even if no one come as long as she comes i would be happy..but i know it's something that is to much to hope for..and HOPE KILLS!.. anyway..i have to get some sleep... tml it's going to be a very very long day.. will be out of camp form morning till night..MTV.. lol here i come..

Peace out

Still Trying...

Well its my 2nd post.. I must say i have been thinking of what to post.. I just had a very long day at camp now Blogging from camp XD ... Alot has happen today i had to take care of hmm 230++ men and 190+ of them are new!! .. OM!! I just wanted to half right them ( half right = Push up )
they were so new to things that i just wanted to kill them!
There is this place where we go to eat. it's called the CookHouse were to get our NS food which is (Very BAD!!) but it's still food so ya.. The some women who give are the food ( in camp there are like 0 women ) are very nice i have seen them form the 1st day i was in camp. so ya! They talk to me in Chi i can speak and hear and try to get what they are saying not that much but it helps! so they talk to me and i try to talk back.. they do tell me about how things are at work and so of the not so nice thigns poeple say.. i am very thankful that i have had a ex who is chi. It has open my eyes to many things people dont seem to see at all.. that no matter what race or age or anything if your willing to take time to talk to them even if you done seem to get what they are saying .. just try and it will show on you.. I would like to thank GOD for showing all this in life..

Peace Out..

Day 1

Well my 1st post..I think as to start with why than a how or when..
Why..
Cos i think everyone has there own way of saying things and this maybe my way..I dont know.. But i should try..It took me a long time to give this a try always had it in my head that Blogging take's to much time and i still do but lol as i said give it a try rite..

There is something coming something big in my life.. * My birthday* on the 24th which is just next week wed.. sigh.. Been waiting for it for sometime but now when it's so near i dont want to see it.. cos * yes there's always a GIRL..*
I have a feeling that she wont even call or sms me..So badly I just want her to come.. but i know that hope is something that kill's..Sick of being this way..hiaz..for the past few years i have been spending my Bday with Her by my side.. befor her it was always alone.. cos my Grandma died on my Bday so every year my mom does what she needs to so i am alone..when she was in my life. I knew i had found the love of my life..And back than i was BAD.. i mean it i will post a old pic of me than and the me now. can see than alot has happen.. thx to her ofcos.. so so much for my 1st post.. let's see how things goes..


Peace out...