My Life...From what I see it

Is this My Blog?

2009-05-24T19:29:00.002+08:00

well i forgot i had a blog and just have not had anything to come on cos i dont have net at my house.. well.. as always alot has happen to me this many months that i have not came on. now as i do this someone is in my house sleeping .. i can see her face i sit down with her. And most of all i can do whatever i want to her now.. but ! i will never cos that is just the person i am. last night went to jeans to club.. well it was fun to dance with the guys but missed dancing with a lady.. sighz.. and today i have my past rite in my face.. sometimes i think what are you doing to me my Dear Loard.. i ask and yes you give but .. no what do you want me to do with this.. !!!

Peace out

Forgot..

2009-03-09T21:23:00.002+08:00

well i did not forget that i have a blog but just have not been not for a long time .. well where should i start? hmmmz.. how about form that i have not been having much rest this past few days coming to weeks soon.. sines my X got this job a a club i have not been sleeping well been worrying about her.. been thinking how has she been miss seeing her face.. ok here's the shit part.. others girls seem to like me but i cant like them cos to me it does not feel rite to do anything with any other girl.. cos that is not where my heart is.. it is still with her.. there was 1 girl.. but well.. she went away with a part of me .. but none the less.. i stlll want her back in my life.. even if i know that she does not want anything to do with me cos that is how she shows it.. i wanted to find people to go clubing that the place where she works so that i could see her.. but now i think about it .. i dont want to anymore.. it feels very hard to go on with my day to day life like this... back to where i started from..

Peace out.. need a good night for sleep..

looking out for each other?

2009-01-04T20:28:00.001+08:00

i dont know how to blog about all this shit today..
dont feel like blogging today..

Low bat !

2009-01-04T11:28:00.001+08:00

Last night went out with my Friends one of them had his dads car to went down to town see a movie "Bed time story" Which was funny paid like $8 for it so not to bad. than .. wait o ya i forgot to say this .. it was like 5 guys and out of the 5, 4 of them have Girl friends guess what i was the only one that did not have one la nvm.. out of the 4, 3 of there girl friends came to see the movie with as.. so i had to go gay for the day la.. sigh.. so after the movie went to play pool than went to eat at little India than got a phone call from a fren asking us to come cos to down town east cos it's his bday so went done there wish him you know show face than he gave me something to drink that had 2 beers OM i must say this Do NOT drink when your sad ! it will hit you like a rock.. your mind is so low and u feed it shit .. i was feeling the blues cos i missed my X who seems to have moved on without me..

so was missing her to it did not help luckly thing had my frens there.. but all in all i can see that i am longing for someone to love to give my love to and i dont seem to let go of my past that ez as others do . i cant say o ok break up ok lor can find other girls.. sorry i am not like that..

i have done shit in my life but you dont brank a girls heart. but they seem to break mine... lol

ok i have a youth meeting today told them i would go for it so ya.. i dont feel like it now la.. but ya..

till later than.. i miss you gold fish..

Peace out

ok i am done for

2009-01-02T21:13:00.002+08:00

I will say this now ok fine the links which where posted to me did help .. So cut me up and feed me to the fishs.. ok this is the only place where i can as emo as i want to be. And no one can say anything about it!! nothing much to say today BUT that i am sad that i need to get to see Gold fish or princess.. Look like no one misss me..

Peace out

Good bye 2008

2008-12-31T19:10:00.002+08:00

1 year has past. What do i have to show for this year .. Guess what NOTHING..
it's new year eve and i am at home doing nothing .. why after all that has happen i still want to spend today with the two girls who killed me..
yet i want to spend it with them. Y? .. cos i am still a sucker for them. it's 7 :40 pm 31/12/08

What the hell am i doing at home!! why am i not out having fun and getting to know new people in my life have enjoying myself..Y! sighz.
No one has the ans for me i look for them but cant find them..

i want to go out do something.. no i want to see My princess and my gold fish. but i know i cant. cos life's a bitch.

going to sit at my com and wish my com happy new year, what a way to end this bad year..

Good bye 2008 may 2009 be batter than YOU!

AS this year pass's i say good buy to my feeling that have given me so much pain.

So Fast??

2008-12-30T20:27:00.003+08:00

Wow.. Wow.. hahaha..i am back here.. hahaha..back to this place where i said i would not go at all.. lolz.. The past just killed me and i said that i would not come back here come back to where i am now! .. as a tear comes down my eye i smile to myself thinking ' suresh F*** your back to this same place where the Girl has moved on SO FAST! and your feeling the shit of the after math ' and your like how is she is she ok and here it comes F*** YOU she does not give a F*** . your alone here just when you were like maybe she feels the pain too and here it comes NO she does not.. maybe it's just the mood now talking .. but wow.. so fast as alwasys i am left back here thinking what a sucker i am to think that anyone would give a shit.. F*** you suresh.. for letting yourself feel this way.

lol.. where is my Drink.. i need it.. F*** 2008 what i shit year..

F*** all this shit fine i am Emo fine you know why this is the only place where i can let it out .. i am sick of trying to smile .. Sick of all this shit in my life..

o peace where have thy gone? Why has thu left me? what have i done to make your face trun away from me? Tell me What must i dont to Make you smile? What must i do to smile and be happy. To feel happy to be alive to see the things that i have seen to feel the things that i have felt to meet the people that i have loved and lost. Why me Why now? Come back to me and give me back my peace that you have so taken away from me. Just as the day looks for the night and the night the looks for the day i can never seem to find you the one the would give me back my Smile.. i have lost it.. But now it seem that no one wants it anymore..no one not even you that one that gave it to me..

Pain..

What more do You want?

2008-12-28T21:41:00.002+08:00

Well as always i have fcuked up something.. i don't know how i ended up this way when i said i WILL NOT DO THIS TO MYSELF ANYMORE! and yet here i am feeling like shit feeling like i wish all this would just end here now, i dont know what went wrong and where i did what .. or did i even do anything at all. i have been thinking alot of what happeing with me now.. i just dont want to be alone this new year. na i have a feeling that i would be.. I miss my past and i miss what i just had.. today i felt down. i knew that this is going to happen and the past has moved on without me. while i stand still in my time and space.. where i am lost .. lost to all things good all things that made me happy that are now taken away from me. what more do i have, just when i was happy just when i started to think that " you know what someone like me can be happy too someone like me can find someone to love me back. " (Like Real) than it hit me very hard. that i was ment to be the guy who is alone.. always walking alone be alone..by myself.. My head is killing me so much now days so badly i have not told any one in my family and i dont want to cos part of me thinks that they just dont give a shit . and i dont give a shit about me anymore. there is nothing to care about. i need to slp and get my mind of things.

This goes out to all my frens i am sorry for not being there as much as i should.. alot has happen than no one knows about.. The pain has taken away my peace i am Sorry..dont just give up on me yet..

GOD be with me now of all times pls..

"Happy Xmas" My ASS

2008-12-25T18:49:00.002+08:00

Life is full of ups and down. we all know that we also know that things in life make us who we are.. now.. the things that have been happening in my life .. i don't think i am going to like the person that i may become.. ok let me start from where i think i should start. on Friday 19/12/08 i went out with her. She came late so it gave me more time to go and see what is could buy for her that she may like to eat. so i saw her i was in red she was in red. went down to the beach had lots of fun talking and Kissing of cos.. and opening up to each other.. i could look her on the eye and tell her you are so Beautiful GOD has made you like none other that i have ever seen. it was from about say 1pm till 11pm we were with each other. it all went good very good it was so hard to say good bye knowing that the week to come i would not be able to see her, For her new job was starting and she had a camp to go for.

That night we talked for about 2-3h on the phone. we did sms each other BUT soon after that .. no reply from msg. Or calls, if felt like when she was studying for her exam and that i could not talk to her. so i got worryed msg her sis and her sis told me that after the camp she got very sick.. and was resting most of the time. so to me was ok .. u could just msg me.. but nvm.. that she msg me asking me to read my email. now WE all know Emails are not good.. so i will not say what was in the email cos that is for only me to know. but! it did say " let's just be good Friends"

Now! ! tell me how would u feel.. i read the maill ok she said she will call me .. the next night.. but guess what no call.. i waited like the F**ker that i am i waited for her call nothing.. ok i called her atr 11:58pm to wish her merry X mas.. did not pick up.. up to now nothing... nothing at all..

So how should i take this..?

I want to smile
i want to feel loved
i Give up on all this..

No peace at all..

Good bye Prinecss..

Cant forget..

2008-12-13T23:42:00.002+08:00

Well.. As always a lot has happen.. but this time a lot of good things has happen to me. i have found someone.. someone who like's me the same.. like me for me.. today i did not go to church i have to get a lot of things done for not going today a lot of pay backs.. this morning as i got up my head went into pain mode. i just could not take it anymore.. took some med and went to bed and did so from i think11am - 9.45pm.. still feel sleepy.. there goes my weekend tmr i will go to the gym and i hope to meet my princess.. apart from all this shit that's happening in my world now GOD still helps me to find some love..Before it's to late before i lose myself in all this pain.. in all this things that just come and dont seem to go off. i want to run off run to her arms run to something called love..i want to hold on to the good thigns in my life.. she too has feeling i must never forget that.. never no matter what i say or do i must never forget we are all human..GOd come back into my life..

Peace out

1 sec to fast?

2008-12-07T22:09:00.002+08:00

it's been 1 week that i have not blog.. a lot has happen this past 1 week i have been very sick and i am still.. i have gone from miss her to waning to see her.. i have gone from 20year bro to 24 maybe.. all in all a lot has happen that i dont want to say and that i want to say but don't know how to say it.. i am lost at something which are happening now but i just want to get batter 1st.. for now this is as much as i want to say.. something i wrong with me i need to find out what..

Peace.. not peace!...

$$

2008-11-30T02:36:00.002+08:00

I have to wait till 12 dec for my pay to come in for me to do anything.. and this sux big time! i dont have money !!! i now have 17 with me till the 12 dec! wth! today was good going back to church spent the whole day there helping them for the CBS which was nice.. all in all it was ok but , something bugs me is that when i asked for help to do things ppl were like i cant do this and cant do that my hand pain.. both my hands are in pain but i did not say anthing.. i just dont get them sometime.. not at all.. sighz..

Going to sleep now

Peace out

sighz

2008-11-28T23:11:00.003+08:00

there are so many things in my life i wish i did not do .. like how i wish that i had studied.. like how i wish i did my IPPT before NS.. like i how i wish that i could be someone that someone could love..i am a Indian guy how like chi songs food and what not.. i dont know .. where i went wrong.. i don't know who i am..sighz.. i dont have any $$ for this month.. and i so hate this!!

NO PEACE AT ALL!!!

The Fray - Look After You

2008-11-28T19:27:00.002+08:00

This song is to someone .. telling her to let go and fall on me..

The Fray - Look After You

f I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh

Goo Goo Dolls - Before it's to late

2008-11-28T19:23:00.001+08:00

Goo Goo Dolls - Before It's to Late

I wonder through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
And I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

And hold on before it's too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

And the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you dont live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til it's gone

Hold on before its too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

So live like you mean it
Love til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til it's gone

And hold on before its too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

And hold on before its too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that I need in my life

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

2008-11-28T19:22:00.000+08:00

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris


And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

It was only 4 days..

2008-11-28T19:12:00.003+08:00

Well here i am back, back with something to say, always with something to say but none the less i will say it.. my week has had it's ups and downs. have not been doing as much as i should.. today is Friday and soon the new month will start.. i have to hold on with $30 till my pay comes in. i don't know how to do that. there are two songs i would like to post here today if anyone does look at my blog i want all of you out there to read it .. before i do that.. i have been having my head pain for like months it does not want to go off. it comes and go off. something is wrong with me i just cant tell what..! there are some stuff on my mind i dont know how to put it down to words .. i hope the next two songs will tell it all.

Peace out for now

22 days...

2008-11-23T13:05:00.002+08:00

Well it;s been 22 days from my last post.. this post is going to be more emo i guess. somethings have been on my mind for this past few days. one of them would be how much the past comes back to bite me in the ass.. i have told myself that i would not let myself feel this way that feeling where i hate myself hate how other people in my life make me feel like shit.. i hate! that! .. why do i let them that much i dont know... things have gotten batter i guess with Bat woman ( nick name ) but sitll have to wait .. waiting is ok but this feeling where i could not see or hear her voice is something that has happen to me befor.. i still feel the pain.. is something that i have felt befor from someone.. calling not picking the phone sms no reply.. u feel like shit.. i know that bat women is bz studying so it ok.. but i cant help but feel like saying i have been hurt by my past befor and that i dont want to feel this pain anymore. cos it's to much for me to take.. i dont want to end up feeling more and more shit in my life.. i am someone who has somehting to give in love.. someone who has feelings who has a ... h..e...a..r..t.. to feel all this.. i dont want to be a jackass like some guys i am trying here.. but to you what do u see?...

I still callled meow meow .. i still feel something .. PAIN.. why suresh why...

Peace out..

no peace at all...( my head pains are coming more and more as each day pass's )

Thinking

2008-11-01T00:09:00.003+08:00

As always i think to much about things in my life.. it was just one of the days were things hit hard and they just come non stop.. what more can say about today.. i got to see my past today don't know if a good or bad thing cos when they good byes were said none were said to me.. that kind of pain i told myself that i wont feel any more plus.. i would not say that things are very good.. i hate the way i feel now i have told myself that i don't want to feel like this anymore..! no more..! the pain that 1 time in your life is more than anything.. but yet i am feeling it now.. when you call someone out if you cant make it you tell them rite?.. i was called out today night.. but guess what when i call to ask for more info no ans.. i give up la.. i am still in the same shit .. things have not change.. i still am the one who feels the pain.. when i said that i wont feel this way( sad,alone,used,kicked out of someone life,hating myself) ya so that is all that is going in my head now.. i want to ask did you get back safely but i know i wont get a reply.. but still i want to sms.. sucker for pain..as always.. the pain is all that i feel.. for real.. the nightmare has to stop.. pls .. someone.. stop them.. i need rest..i want to sleep..

PEace out

Walls..

2008-10-28T20:24:00.002+08:00

Walls something that i face everyday... but some of them i put up myself.. what more can i say some wait allot of the things in my life happen cos of the way i take and handle things.. well back to what i wanted to say i just got back 1 day ago from a trip with my church people.. which was very fun if all of them could be there would have been great, but nvm it was all good! i am going to miss all this .. thinking about things makes me very sad.. cos to think come next year allot of things are going to change, i wish that people did not have to go away.. it's not fair to think like that but 1 thing that i have found about myself is that i don't want to get go of anyone that i have in my life, which is not good at all.. i mean i don't want to be alone i guess i think .. i don't know.. but its just that i hold on to things people and the past to much for my own good.. i don't know how to let go don't know how to give up don't know how to day i don't want to feel this pain.. its going to be very painful to see the people in my life move and move.. as i still stay here and face day by day.. with a hole in my heart.. to think that this would be like one of the last time that i going to be out with them to a camp and anywhere, just saying it is painful.. what more can i say.. i don't know where to go what to do about this feeling.. and the new people that come into my life i have this feeling that they are going to run away from me, so i hold so much.. which in the end is not good at all.. and the past i cant let go off.. thinking about all that happen i feel like why cant things go like a story which i can say.. and read about.. something where i find the one who loves me. and i love back.. someone who gave me there heart.. yet i killed it with my hands.. so badly i want to be loved that i give up on all thing good in my life.. till i find my hope.. till i can stand up and say i have moved on and just not hold on to things in my life and let go...

To let go is like giving GOD all the things in life , and to say i am ONLY HUMAN..

Peace out

1 cm bigger..

2008-10-20T21:54:00.002+08:00

Alot has happen in this past few days that has showen me that i am still young in some of the ways that i think.. as to say that i dont seem to see some of the things that i should.. cos i must know this by now that people are not going to be so nice to you in life..no matter how sweet or nice or anything your never going to see someone who knows what your doing for them.. i dont what shit i am saying.. but all i know is that i have to grow up .. that eveyone has there own life and that you have to give and TaKE! not all giving.. looking to see how things are going to be from now on..all i know is that i do feel lost.. at somethings.. but still i dont mind waiting..

Time is moving on why am i not..

Time is passing me by why am i not running.,

time time time..

i have to end up wait..

Peace out

No more pls..

2008-10-19T23:53:00.002+08:00

Well as always i do something to make good things in my life to shit.. this time .. i know it's all me.. wait it's always been me what am i saying.. maybe it's the lack of sleep talking but i feel like saying this. i had a good thing going on and i had to push things to fast and end up like this.. i feel like someone who just does not know when to stop.. i know ok i sms to much.. i call to much.. so it's all me.. if things dont get batter it's all cos of me..trying to take things so fast push ppl away.. to me ya maybe it's ok but i am fu'k ed up..i dont know what i did wrong but things are not to good now.. see la suresh you had to go and do it 1 more time.. all you had to do was take your time to get to know and that too i cant do... err! i have had only 1h of sleep for 2 days.. my head pains are not getting any batter.. 1st the heart now the head.. whats going on in my body..no more pills.. that's for sure.. sorry if i said anything to push you away.. sigh

Peace out

Found out something..

2008-10-17T19:15:00.003+08:00

Well well.. guess what i just found out that i cant seem but to just not sms or call her.. sighz..i tryed to not call or sms her for one day but i failed..lol.. very badly..i did not msg at night.. or in the morning.. but than by lunch i gave up.. sighz.. i did msg i dont know.. i am lost at somethings for now.. i dont know what's going on her head.. trying not to think about things to fast.. but me being ME >< i am thinking to much about things lol! sighz.. i dont know i dont know if she has seen this or readed my blog.. but!! i do wish that i can just see what's going on her head.. i have to go back to camp on sat night.. ah! i wanted to go out this sat night.. but now cant.. shes going out yaya i wished she called me out too..but she did not fine.. not like she has to but would have been nice if she did.. i would have found a way to go.. but than .. it's batter this way rite.. not to close to fast i dont want to feel that pain .. i just got batter.. dont want to be like how i was.. i am sick of waiting for that girl whos going to take the things i do to heart and love me more and more.cos there is no girl like that.. so ya.. i give up on that.. i am just blessed to have met her.. her name .. lol just cant say yet.. anything my best fren is going to get wedding and she did not call me..so ya.. i am sad..

Peace out

Trying

2008-10-16T18:01:00.002+08:00

Ok i am trying to post more.. Today it was a good day did not do anything at all lol! later going to meet my fren for dinner.. Hopeful i get to see my Princess.. ( parying like mad ) but even she does not come i am ok with it.. cos she has alot of work to get done and .. i dont want to do the same thing i did wrong the last time i dont want to be one of the things that stop someone from becoming batter.. i feel i should say this .. i am sorry.. i am sorry that cos oof me you could not do your best in school.. i am sorry that cos of me.. you did not make to the place you wanted to go that cos of me.. you had to feel the pain of failure in your life.. tha cos of me you had to work when i did not.. i am sorry i hate myself for it. even now i dont want to stop anyone from being who they want to be.. i feel the pain in my heart.. seeing you that time not being able to go into the school that you wanted.. now well now you just dont care.. which is a good thing cos i have grown up more and more each day so that i can give my batter to someone .. to that someone that i have found now she may not be the one to fast to say .. but .. she in 1 in a mil.. i wont say her name just for now.. but.. i do still miss the good time.. that's why i dont want to do the same thing wrong this time .. i will not.. i am no one for someone to give up there plans for.

Things may have change but i am still the same.. ppl come and go.. but i stay.. why cos i was always finding you that someone that gavve me HOPE when i needed it.. i wont say love cos the only girl that i loved is now gone out from my life.. so now i have seen hope.. and wont give up! cos she give a shit about me !! wahhahah!!

Pace out

Time is going by...

2008-10-15T20:35:00.003+08:00

Alot has happen in this past few days that i have not bloged..where should i start..hmm how about last night outting.. where should i start..ok here it comes.. i took her out for dinner yes i paid.. we enjoyed it we talk and talk i do so much enjoy talking to her.. than headed down to ps where i wanted to put my plan in place.. whaha! as we were walking down ok she likes coco.. i dont.. so i than remb this place where they sell very good cooc.. ok so i told her i was looking for something than we walk here and there till i found it it was this place were they sell very good and $$X$$ coco.. so than i told to her close her eye than i give it to her to eat she enjoyed it.. so i did not mind.. she was happy .. than as we got to the park near PS.. we sit there talking about stars and food and movies and ect.. than i knew i had to do what i wanted to do! ( ok no i was not going to kiss her or something that's just to fast!! ) i planed to give her a very nice hug.. and i did i told her to trun and than close her eyes and than i put my hands on hers than i hug her from behind and this is the 1st time.. i sang for her.. ~Fly me to the moon~ which i forgot so of the words lol!! but that was not the only song i sang many many more cos all i wanted to do was to make her smile.. than i must say this i wanted to kiss her nack .. yes i did want to but did not !! .. why cos sometime the past just comes back and bites you is this aSs.. and you think i dont want to take this to fast to far.. so i want .. wait wait.. till she leads me.. i will just have to wait..till than

Peace out..

I think i am batter

2008-10-09T20:08:00.002+08:00

Well well.. i must say.. i have been happy this past few days this have been batter i mean i have been smiling allot .. when i say i mean lot! and it's all thx to someone new.. someone that showed me that i can be happy..that i am someone that people don't mind knowing.. after what has happen i have been down from what you can see from my others posts that i have been very down .. but i am trying trying to make things rite.. trying to show myself that i can make it in this world..if you say than how can you just forget your ex.. i would say i have not cos what we had was what we had.. and i cant ask for anything batter.. i am happy that i got to feel that pain cos that tells me that HEY ! u have feelings and that someone as good as her could love you there is something about you that maybe i just cant see..but i feel pain i feel happy cos i can meet other people in my life that have showed me that i am someone.. someone who has feeling..as for the other girl who has i can say taken my heard away .. i don't want to push to much.. cos i for now know what's going on her head but she is 1 in a mil.. i am very gifted to have seen her talked to her and best of all to have seen her smile.. beautiful.. just so beautiful ..hmm ok maybe i have said to much.. so ya for now

Peace out

Cant wait!!

2008-10-05T22:40:00.003+08:00

Ok.. I am going to enjoy my day tmr i think lol! I have to go down to IMH at 0800 to see the DOC after so long .. part of me just cant wait.. but.. have to la.. this is something that i have to get done.. i have to go and see the doc tmr.. it's for my own good i need too fix somethings in me.. but! i would be seeig Princess tmr.. which i just cant wait for.. ok she said she likes green .. ok i dont look good in green but i am going to try and pull it off tml .. if i can i will post up the pic tml.. i am trying to smile.. i am trying.. i still think to much about things.. about her.. i am trying!!

Peace out

hmmz..

2008-10-03T20:51:00.004+08:00

hmm..this whole week seem to long for me.. i was hoping to get an off today but end up.. had to stay in camp all the way till 4:50pm.. -.-!! i want a half day.. sighz.. but guess what i have been smsing her, and most of all i must say this..! SHE is one powerful women!!! i have not seen anyone like her befor..! i mean i think i am into her.. i want to know her more and more.. but here's the thing.. i dont know if she's into me or not.. i mean i am not rich..i dont have the looks and most of all i am 20.. she is **(cant tell a womens age).. hmmmz.. i dont know.. but i am trying here.. ok you can say.. what happen to you saying about E*****.. i still care for her. not matter what! i pray for her each day.. i miss her so much but! i have to move on.. there is nothing more i can do when someone pushs you out from there life.. i am still praying that GOD will show me the way.. for i am nothing without him.. i am trying to be happy.. here... but..so much on my mind.. will post something maybe later.. for now

Peace out

WHY!!!

2008-10-01T00:15:00.003+08:00

Sighz.. the day was going so well.. why did it become like this .. ERR!! why suresh did u have to go and try to act cool and play with her things..!! er..I have not seen you that mad with me in sometime.. and that's not nice..i feel very bad about what has happen.. to the both of you... sighz..Sorry reply leh!!..dot dot dot. need to sleep this off. i was so happy to see her today..u look good in white..dress too.. okok..

Peace out..

So much for waiting

2008-09-28T19:28:00.003+08:00

Well alot has happen this past few days.. i have seen so many things run by me. GOD is good in all that he does. But sometimes we just cant see it no matter how hard we try. I sometimes just cant seem to see it. Went down to her friendster saw lots of things i dont think i should have.. she's become more and more beautiful as each day goes by.. Been going clubbing alot with many guys.. there goes the love of my life huh..i cant say anything at all.. nothing cos i mean nothing.. i am nothing to her.. When one door close's GOD alwasys open's a other.. But it's time for me TO GROW UP! and to see things as a man. no longer a teen to think like one. Miss you alot on my life you were and still are a big part i pray for you every day asking GOD to take good care of you.. My chest pain comes and goes.. sometime i just dont think i can take it anymore.. but i cant take my pills it does things to me.. i dont like it.. i hate it.. i hate the pills yet i need them.. this is the only way i can let all this in me out .. no one wants to hear all this or must i say on one needs to for this is a part of me no ones wants to know. and i may say needs to know.. i dont want to give up on me anymore.. there is something about me .. the GOD out in me .. ahh... so much pain.. so much for friends so much for finding love..

But!! on a happyer note i have seen someone who is i must say. her smile.. thinking of her smile makes me smile.. but.. she shows nothing to me .. that i may hang on to.. but.. who am i rite.. E*****.. how much i long for you.. but much i know that u just dont give a shit.. back to killing my body..that's all i have left..

Peace out

All time song

2008-09-25T11:54:00.002+08:00

This was the 1st song that i loved and i sang with her..This was our song..

~珊瑚海 | Shan Hu Hai | Coral Sea~

海平面远方开始阴霾悲伤要怎么平静纯白
hai ping mian yuan fang kai shi yin mai / bei shan yao zhe me ping jing chun bai
Clouds gather on the faraway (sea) horizon, How can I keep my sadness calm

我的脸上始终夹带一抹浅浅的无奈
wo de nian shang shi zhong jia dai / yi mo qian qian de wu nai
I remained straight-faced, trying to cover the hint of resignation

你用唇语说你要离开 (情不在)
ni yong chun yu shuo ni yao li kai (qing bu zai)
You silently said that you wanted to leave (The love's gone)

那难过无声慢了下来
na nan guo wu sheng nan le xia lai,
The sadness slowed down silently

汹涌潮水你听明白
xiong yong chao sui, ni ting ming bai
Listen carefully to the crashing tides,

不是浪而是泪海
bu shi lang er shi lei hai
It is not from the sea but from tears

Chorus:

转身离开 (你有话说不出来) 分手说不出来
zhuan shen li kai (ni you hua shuo bu chu lai) fen shou shuo bu chu lai
Turning around to leave, (You have something to say but remained speechless), unable to say it's over

海鸟跟鱼相爱只是一场意外
hai niao gen yu xiang ai / zhi shi yi chang yi wai
The love between a seagull and a fish is only an accidental occurrence

我们的爱（给的爱）差异一直存在 (回不来)
wo men de ai （gei de ai） cha yi yi zhi cun zai (hui bu lai)
Differences had always existed in (the love you gave) our love (we can't go back)

风中尘埃(等待)竟累积成伤害
feng zhong zhen ai (deng dai) jing lei ji cheng shang hai
The dust that gathers in the wind (ends up) accumulating to pain

转身离开分手说不出来
zhuan shen li kai fen shou shuo bu chu lai
Turning around and leave, (can't say it's over), unable to say it's over

蔚蓝的珊瑚海错过瞬间苍白
wei lan de shan hu hai / cuo guo shun jian cang bai
An azure coral sea, a missed momentary paleness

当初彼此（你我都）不够成熟坦白(不应该)
dang chu bi ci （ni wo dou) bu gou cheng shu tan bai (bu ying gai)
Right from the beginning (you and me both) were not mature and frank enough (shouldn't)

热情不改 (你的) 笑容勉强不来
re qing bu gai (ni de) xiao rong mian qiang bu lai
The passion had not changed, (your) smile cannot be forced

爱深埋珊瑚海
ai shen mai shan hu hai
Love is buried deep within the coral sea

Verse 2:

毁坏的沙碉如何重来有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
hui huai de sa diao ru he chong lai / you lie heng de ai zhe me chong gai
How do (we) rebuild the damaged sand sculpture, how can (we) fix a broken relationship?

只是一切结束太快你说你无法释怀
zhi shi yi qie / jie shu tai kuai / ni shuo ni wu fa shi huai
Only that all has ended too quickly and you said you could not understand why

贝壳里隐藏着什么期待 (等花儿开)
bei ke li ying cang zhe she me qi dai (deng hua er kai)
What surprises await in a seashell (Waiting for the flowers to bloom)

我们也已经无心再猜
wo men ye yi jing wu xin zai cai
We do not want to play the guessing game anymore

面向海风 (面向海风)
mian xiang hai feng (mian xiang hai feng)
The sea breeze caressing the face (the sea breeze caressing the face)

咸咸的爱 (咸咸的爱)
xian xian de ai (xian xian de ai)
The salty love (the salty love)

尝不出还有未来
chang bu chu hai you wei lai
Unable to feel any future (between us)

Cai Hong

2008-09-25T11:40:00.004+08:00

This song is one of the songs which i love .. it has lots of meaning for me now in my life..

~Jay Chou - Cai Hong~

Na li you cai hong gao su wo
Tell me where the rainbow is

Neng bu neng ba wo de yuan wang huan gei wo
Could you still give me back my wish

Wei shen me tian zhe me an jing
Why is the sky so silent?

Suo you de yun dou pao dao wo zhe li
All of the clouds are running to me

You mei you kou zhao yi ge gei wo
Is there a mask for me?

Shi huai shuo le tai duo jiu cheng zhen bu liao
Recalling too much of the past words can accomplish nothing

Ye xu shi jian shi yi zhong jie yao
Perhaps time is a kind of antidote

Ye shi wo xian zai zheng fu xia de du yao
And also the first poison I'm taking now

Kan bu jian ni de xiao wo zen me shui de zhao
I could not see your smile, how can I sleep well

Ni de shen ying zhe me jing wo que bao bu dao
Your silhouette is so close to me, yet I cannot embrace it

Mei you di qiu tai yang hai shi hui rao
Without earth, the sun can still circle around

Mei you li you wo ye neng zi ji zou
Without reasons, I also can walk alone

Ni yao li kai wo zhi dao hen jian dan
You want to go away, I know that is very easy

Ni shuo yi lai shi wo men de zu ai
You said dependence is our obstacle

Jiu suan fang kai dan neng bu neng bie mo shou wo de ai
Even if we break up, but couldn't you not receive my love

Dang zuo wo zui hou cai ming bai
Assuming I'm the last to understand

Bye bye 19 .. Hellow 20

2008-09-25T11:14:00.002+08:00

I have become 20 .. I have to get lots of things done befor 21 now lol.. Last night was mad i have not had that much for sometime. But.. even all the drinks and people .. i just wanted her till the very end i did not get a sms or call or anything.. i want to ask why do u hate me so much? why did i do to you.. that you wont even look at me.. why do u want me out of life that badly.. why do u push me so far away.. why do you not let me try.. why why why.. so many why but no ans for me..anyone can fix my broken heart? i just wanted you by myside on the 24.. but you were no where near..

STOP this pain.. i want to be happy too.. if you can be why cant i..

Fix me..someone..anyone...

1 year older

2008-09-24T00:07:00.002+08:00

I am have become 1 year older and what do i have to show for it nothing..nothing form you so far so i am guessing that u just dont give a fuck.. lol.. time to take my pills. Bye Bye.. no i am not going to die i think lol.. maybe, lol!! Nights.. many more nights alone..

ZZzzzZZ

Peace out

P.S Happy Birthday Suresh..

wow..

2008-09-23T23:30:00.002+08:00

Wow 2 posts in one day.. think going to be 3 soon.. i think i may need to take my med to sleep today.. lol.. i have to much on my mind to do anything.. i want to go KTV sing miss it so much.. i do enjoy singing.. lol guess what all not able to meet me for my own birthday ! power rite.. wahhah...power la.. i can just go fucking die now lol! for real i can just go die now.. all time the only people i had were you guys so ya.. now i can see i dont have
1. life
2. someone who loves me
3. Family
4. friends
5. money
6. looks
7. the 5C's
8. anyone...
POWER!!!!

whahahahhaha....
i Fucking give up...

So badly

2008-09-23T23:05:00.002+08:00

Well.. it's about 1h more till it's my birthday..i miss you much..i see you online but i cant talk to you. just want to ask you how was your day? what did you? why so tired? i miss you voice..so badly..i have this hope that you would come back to me i dont know why i do cos it just kills me..to see you forget me.. i .. have so much of this feeling.. i want to talk to you.. but you dont seem to say anything back.. have so much on my mind as i go onto 20.. i know that after this 24 alot has got to change..just want to by side..i dont make alot of money and i am not that great of a person but she still loved me and cared for me.. even when all the shit i did was something that u want to hear or see.. but You still loved me no matter what has happen.. as i do this i have tears coming down ., i did see the pain in your eyes all the nights you cryed for me when i was not there when i could not be there.. when you send me off into 'Ns' i hated that day when i could not see u .. all i could do was think of coming out and seeing you.. you were my fire..so much pain now..so much of things i just want to say to you to tell you that i want to take care of you till your old and cant walk anymore.. i want you to be the mother of my kids..so much for all that.. 'She said i will always be by your side'

You are mine and i am yours.. that was somethngs that was said.. if only..

coming home has no more fire to it at all..

weekends are just something i have to go on to..

i hate sundays where i no longer just sit there and see you sleep..

i hate who i am now.. just hate all this..

coming home baby girl.. i miss you

I am sorry

I ... need ... you..

Peace out

very soon

2008-09-22T21:53:00.002+08:00

Well i have not done this for 2 days.. alot has happen this past few days if i were to say it all my net would just die so ya.. lol
2 more days to go suresh after that no more.. no more of thinking about all this no more killing yourself with all the pain in your head and heart.. i cant run very far from the fact that i do care and miss you and most of all i sitll love you with me heart..
i cant seem to run away form this.. The Lord has help me so much to see this days go by.. it's not going to be ez but i just have to do this i have.. no matter what i have to not only for my heart but to move on and let go.. i miss u baby girl..we are near yet so far.. u took me out of your world but your still in mine.. have to stop .. have to give up.. but i just cant..

Peace out

Time is running out..

2008-09-18T23:09:00.001+08:00

sighz.. what a way to start.. Today went down to IMH.. guess what.. I have to go back on the Oct 6 than i will be able to see the doc. err.. making me run here and there... have one on the 6 and 16th. i just saw her facebook pic.. Wo! she looks good! can see shes enjoying herself.. pain..very pain..then the 24th comes it just means i have lost.. after all that has happen i LOST.. i would have given the world if you had just waited..i miss you so much on my bday your all that i want.. is that asking to much..ya i know it is.. it takes 2 to work things out not only 1.. i just wanted to trow my come out after seeing that pic but who am i rite..just things in the past.. my baby girl is gone..no longer mine to hold or to hug or kiss..i am no longer loved by anyone alone ones more..your the only one who ever loved me.. and i thank you for that..with all the heart and all that i am thank you.. and it's a long long good bye..

Peace out

I think I may have a P...

2008-09-17T23:44:00.000+08:00

Well nothing so far.. my mom is ok.. i asked her to read my blog.. which i dont think she did but nvm.. i was asking for to much anyway.. i need sleep.. I miss her very badly..but she will never know that cos i dont think she care's anymore.. but i am praying that she does..

Peace out

I hate this

2008-09-17T21:51:00.003+08:00

It was a yet a long day in camp..so much of shit has happen today.. we should have gone to MTV today but the people who do the plaining lst min played us out..so today was yet an other day were we worked our ass off.. for nothing..as always.. than i am on Off tml co si have to go down to IMH at 10:40 am to see the doc.. i mean after so long too..but there was somthing good that happen today She called me ( she = my X ) it was like time just stoped when she called cos her ringing tone is something that i use as my alarm so when i heard it i run as far as i could so that i could her her voice.. it was soo good to hear your voice.. i missed it so much..but the sad thing was she called to ask about the money.. not me.. so ya that was painful yet nice.. today i saw her online after soooo long!! i saw her pic wow not bad going clubing huh.. good life.. miss her so much..dont even think she missed my voice..what am i doing saying all this..So as to tml i am on off.. i called my mom cos she was not feeling to well this past few days she was taking care of my sis 2 kids and had like no rest. so the kids are with there mother now so today i asked my mom to go and see the doc.. i made her too ( my x hates to see the doc no matter how sick she was i would have to push her to go and see the doc and when we get there she would say see i am better now i dont have to see doc anymore let's go home..cute rite..) so when we got to the doc the doc said she need lots of rest.. than i am low on money this month but i paided what i could.. when we got home she took her med than i was in my sis room when my bro called me out than i saw that my mom has fainted now as i am doing this i am thinking should i call 995..i am doing my best to take care of my mom.. and the poeple that i care and love.. i have done so much for nothing.. This is to you baby girl.. if your reading this you should know what to do.. you know me batter than anyone that i know..i am sorry to have to do this..

Sometimes..

2008-09-16T22:21:00.002+08:00

Ok so i do like Blogging.. lol.. But today was just a very long day..things were ok till about day 9:00pm.. sighz..Had a nice long talk with my boys in camp..You see i dont think of them as some kind low life in camp.. But as young men who are just have to find themself. I mean coming to NS is hard to not be able to see your love ones for like 5days than you only have the weekend and that to runs so fast.. sighz.. when i was in NS for the 1st 3 months it was hell cos I miss my gf birthday and feb 14 too.. so i can say i know how it feels..missing her birthday was something that i could not take at all..So thats why i dont want to make it *to* hard for them..But today had to tell them off cos you see i take care of BP=FAT MEN! so for them is to lose alot.. and some of them just dont seem to get it cos this is all for them .. and top of it i get lots of shit cos of them .. 5days they work hard than weekend they get fat.. what more can i say..who would not get mad at them.

Today i called some more of my frens for 24th night. I dont want to go | MOS| i know it's leades night but still to many shit there..i dont know.. just want her next to me thats all ..even if no one come as long as she comes i would be happy..but i know it's something that is to much to hope for..and HOPE KILLS!.. anyway..i have to get some sleep... tml it's going to be a very very long day.. will be out of camp form morning till night..MTV.. lol here i come..

Peace out

Still Trying...

2008-09-15T22:21:00.003+08:00

Well its my 2nd post.. I must say i have been thinking of what to post.. I just had a very long day at camp now Blogging from camp XD ... Alot has happen today i had to take care of hmm 230++ men and 190+ of them are new!! .. OM!! I just wanted to half right them ( half right = Push up )
they were so new to things that i just wanted to kill them!
There is this place where we go to eat. it's called the CookHouse were to get our NS food which is (Very BAD!!) but it's still food so ya.. The some women who give are the food ( in camp there are like 0 women ) are very nice i have seen them form the 1st day i was in camp. so ya! They talk to me in Chi i can speak and hear and try to get what they are saying not that much but it helps! so they talk to me and i try to talk back.. they do tell me about how things are at work and so of the not so nice thigns poeple say.. i am very thankful that i have had a ex who is chi. It has open my eyes to many things people dont seem to see at all.. that no matter what race or age or anything if your willing to take time to talk to them even if you done seem to get what they are saying .. just try and it will show on you.. I would like to thank GOD for showing all this in life..

Peace Out..

Day 1

2008-09-14T19:50:00.002+08:00

Well my 1st post..I think as to start with why than a how or when..
Why..
Cos i think everyone has there own way of saying things and this maybe my way..I dont know.. But i should try..It took me a long time to give this a try always had it in my head that Blogging take's to much time and i still do but lol as i said give it a try rite..

There is something coming something big in my life.. * My birthday* on the 24th which is just next week wed.. sigh.. Been waiting for it for sometime but now when it's so near i dont want to see it.. cos * yes there's always a GIRL..*
I have a feeling that she wont even call or sms me..So badly I just want her to come.. but i know that hope is something that kill's..Sick of being this way..hiaz..for the past few years i have been spending my Bday with Her by my side.. befor her it was always alone.. cos my Grandma died on my Bday so every year my mom does what she needs to so i am alone..when she was in my life. I knew i had found the love of my life..And back than i was BAD.. i mean it i will post a old pic of me than and the me now. can see than alot has happen.. thx to her ofcos.. so so much for my 1st post.. let's see how things goes..

Peace out...